If you ask a random group of people when mothering begins, most will say it starts when the baby is born. Ask any woman who has given birth and she will likely give you a very different answer. For some it was when they first learned of their pregnancy. Others say mothering began when they felt their baby move for the first time, heard the heartbeat, or saw their baby on ultrasound. There are those who felt the stirring of mothering begin when they held their baby for the first time. There are even women who did not feel truly like mothers until their baby was days or even weeks old.
“I have a very difficult time wrapping my mind around the very idea of pregnancy - even as I feel my little one moving around. I can't say that I really felt bonded with my babies until the moment of birth- and then it was immediate and incredible.”~Emily
While it is normal to begin to “feel” like a mother at different stages, new evidence shows that in fact mothering in a biological sense begins at the moment of conception. In fact, the motherbaby bond occurs often before a mother may feel an emotional connection. In her book, The Tentative Pregnancy, Barbara Katz Rothman discovered that some women prevent themselves from connecting to their baby until after all the early pregnancy tests have gone well and they enter in to the second trimester. Whether the mother’s emotional connection starts early on or much later, there is an amazing bond beginning between her and her baby from the earliest point of pregnancy.
A global understanding of what this mother baby bond truly means to the health and happiness of children could change how society begins to think about the role of mothering. What the world needs is a pregnancy paradigm shift. Cutting-edge research has discovered that the experience in the womb and the early moments of birth and early infancy are the most formative moments in our lives (Hobel,Marsh, O’Railley, Simmons). These quantum moments shape all that we become. Everything from what a mother eats and drinks, to the relationships she has during pregnancy, to her stress levels are influencing her developing baby. If the definition of mothering is the nurturing of a child, a pregnant woman is literally mothering from the time of conception.
It has become exceedingly difficult for mothers to have the opportunity to truly connect with their baby’s during pregnancy. Today’s millennial families are experiencing more stimulus than ever. They are constantly connected to data, information, texts, e-mail, phone calls, messaging literally everywhere. The pace of life has sped up significantly, and what is expected of a pregnant mother today, the literal demands on her time and energy, has increased exponentially. It is easy for pregnant women to begin to live on auto pilot, which means they are more susceptible to media and other external messages, and less able to connect with their own thoughts and feelings. Pregnant mothers who take the time to become aware of their thoughts, feelings and actions begin to become more conscious of their behavior.
In this technology-obsessed world of ours, it is easy for mothers to forget that the most important knowledge comes from within. In our society, it is rare that women listen to their body’s cues and respond to them. How many pregnant mothers nap during the day when they are tired? They avoid listening to their body because they feel rushed and don’t honor the body’s signals as actual communication. The pregnant body is communicating what it needs all the time, and believe it or not the unborn baby is too. All mothers have to do is learn to listen, give themselves the permission to trust the connection and take the time to respond.
Why Does Mothering Begin at Conception?
Nature is impressive in its design and is preparing babies in the womb from the moment of conception for the new world they will encounter beginning at birth. All babies are born into a different environment. They must prepare during pregnancy to survive and thrive in their specific community. The information babies receive from their mothers in utero teaches them to adapt to their new world. The mother is constantly communicating all that she knows about her world to her baby throughout pregnancy, via special messenger molecules. This is one her early mothering abilities, to share her feelings with her baby. The baby communicates back to the mother through the placenta with his own set of messenger molecules. Mom and baby are sharing information during each and every moment of pregnancy. This mother baby bond is the foundation of all mothering.
Mothers and babies communicate via the placenta with messenger molecules known as neuropeptides. When a mother has “feeling”, emotion pulses through her body as messenger molecules that deliver signals to the body’s systems. For example, if a mother smells smoke, she begins to worry. Her body starts to release adrenaline, to pump blood to her limbs so she can get her baby to safety. Her perception of the world (smelling smoke) created a thought (“I smell smoke”) and emotion (worry/fear), which then signaled her body to prepare to rescue her baby from a fire (blood pumping to her arms and legs).
This biological communication between a mother and her baby is how the baby’s emotional intelligence is created. He experiences the world of emotions through his mother. He begins to become aware of his mother’s world based on how she feels about her world. When she has a loving thought, he experiences love. When she is stressed, he becomes stressed. This process designed to give babies the opportunity to experience an array of emotions and develop a healthy emotional life that matches the emotional tone of his new family. This emotional tone is his way of coping with his world, known as the EQ, or emotional quotient. New research has shown that a healthy EQ is much more important for long-term happiness in adults than a high IQ.
If mothers were aware of their early mothering role, they would likely spend more time doing things that they enjoyed instead of focusing on less important tasks like worrying over what color to paint the nursery. Dr. Frederick Wirth, neonatologist and expert in the prenatal period referred to this as being a “brain architect.” Dr. Wirth taught that when mothers focused on creating healthy, happy babies in the womb, it led to happier, healthier children and families. The role of mothering includes with it an amazing superpower - the power to build a baby’s brain.
Mindful Prenatal Mothering
Awareness of this mother baby bond is critical for creating a more peaceful society. Pregnancy is when conscious mothering begins. When babies are conceived and developed in a trusting, peaceful, loving state they are literally formed in love. Early pregnancy is an ideal time for mothers to contemplate their relationship with themselves and the world around them. This involves moving into a state of observation and awareness, becoming mindful. Jon Kabat Kinn, author of Everyday Blessings, and known as the modern day guru of mindfulness defines mindfulness as the following, “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
What we think about, we bring about. Therefore, it makes sense to move through this world intentionally, especially when it’s known that a mother’s experience impacts the health and personality of her baby. Mothers can make decisions that are truly in their best interest by being in conscious agreement. What is conscious agreement? Conscious agreement is the act of making decisions based on deep inner listening and coming to an intuitive mind/body/spirit agreement. It is making decisions that feel good at a gut level. Conscious agreement occurs when you are in collaboration with your inner wisdom, when every part of you says “YES!” The word agreement literally means being in harmony with one’s feelings.
Before pregnancy, a woman’s consciousness mainly affects her own life. Once she conceives, she must acknowledge that her consciousness impacts her baby’s development and emotional health. Therefore, all of her choices impact her baby. Life is full of choices, from what she eats, to what she does, to who she allows in her life (co-workers, healthcare providers, friends, and partners). Every moment in her life affects her emotional states. Being in a state of conscious agreement during pregnancy (and even while trying to conceive) becomes crucial to the motherbaby connection.
Easy steps for conscious agreement are:
· Separate from external influences – to make a decision based on conscious agreement it is sometimes necessary to remove yourself from environments or people that may be distracting. This can be as simple as closing your eyes and taking a moment to connect to your inner wisdom.
· Get quiet and pause – take a few deep breaths, allow your thoughts to calm and connect to your source. Your source can be defined as that which guides you - God, the universe, your spirit, your intuition, etc.
· Listen in – think about the situation that has presented itself. What is your gut feeling? How is your body feeling? How is your body reacting? Do you feel drawn to the situation or person or do you feel a sense of discomfort? How might your baby feel?
· Decide and commit – honor the feelings that are coming up for you and your baby. Make a decision that is in harmony with what your body, your baby and your intuition are telling you. This is truly honoring the motherbaby bond.
Today’s mother is bombarded by technology, an endless array of choices and a medical community that has yet to recognize and honor the motherbaby bond. However, it is possible for every mother to tune in to the miracle happening inside of her. She can minimize the influence of her external reality and focus in on the internal world of the motherbaby bond. By moving into the states of Being, Observing, Nourishing and Deciding she has the opportunity to truly BOND.
The Keys to the MotherBaby Bond - “Being”, “Observing”, “Nourishing”, and “Deciding” and Conscious Agreement are copyrighted concepts within the book, the Greatest Pregnancy Ever: The Keys to The MotherBaby Bond.
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2. Marsch R, Gerber AJ, Peterson BS. Neuroimaging studies of normal brain development and their relevance for understanding childhood neuropsychiatric disorders. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 2008;47(11):1233-1251.
3. O’Rahilly R, Mueller F. Significant features in the early prenatal development of the human brain. Annals of Anatomy. 2008;190:105-118.
4. Simmons, R. Epigenetics and maternal nutrition: nature v. nurture. Proc Nutr Soc. Nov 29:1-9, 2010.